cleft<\/a> mom taught me a lot of things. This experience has shook but strengthen my faith in God. It made me realize that anything can happen to you and you have to face it, deal with it and come out stronger than you’ve ever been before. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\nLet me share with you our Cleft Journey.<\/h2>\n
<\/p>\n
I think it was the worse day of my life. When you’re a first time mom, you want everything to be perfect, you are scared and excited at the same time. You dread the day the baby will come out because of the horror stories you hear that it will be painful but you also can’t wait for that day to come because the pain will be worth it!<\/p>\n
It was the 5th of March, and on the 5th month of my pregnancy. I was going to have a Congenital Anomaly Scan. We knew the baby is going to be a boy the month before. Honestly, I was excited to have the CAS done. Ang worry ko pa noon ay baka kulang ang mga daliri niya sa kamay or paa. Never did it cross my mind that something wrong was going to happen.<\/p>\n
My OB is a chatty person. Lagi niya ako dinadaldal during check up, would even ask random questions and not related to my pregnancy but she was awfully quiet that day while she was checking me. She checked the fingers and toes at kumpleto sila. Tumawa pa ako. She checked the body, bones, stomach, lungs etc. When she reached the head, she stopped talking. I knew something was wrong.<\/p>\n
She let out a sigh. The next thing she said tore my world apart. “Parang may cleft si baby.” Hindi ako makagalaw, nanlamig ako, my heart stopped. Totoo pala yun. Yung slow motion. Yung malabo silang lahat sa paningin mo. They are talking pero di mo sila maintindihan tapos umiikot ang paligid.<\/p>\n
My OB was telling me something but I couldn’t understand. My husband and OB were talking about solutions and what might have caused it. OB said that up to this day, there is still no known cause ng pagkakaron ng baby ng cleft. It could be a number of things daw. Lack of folic acid, smoking, took antibiotics, genes. Yung pagkadulas po ay walang kinalaman dun.<\/p>\n
Inside the examination room, I did not shed a tear but I couldn’t think straight. Ang naaalala ko, I asked my OB if it can still be fixed while the baby is growing inside me. Hindi daw, we have to wait until the baby comes out and get bigger.<\/p>\n
Tinanong ko rin kung makakapagbreastfeed ako. It was important for me. Kaya lang hindi daw sigurado. Slim chance dahil nga sa cleft. Paglabas namin sa Exam room, and I saw my mom sabi ko “may cleft si baby”, niyakap ko agad siya at dun na bumuhos yung luha na kanina ko pa pinipigil.<\/p>\n
Sobrang sakit. Masakit pa nung time na naghiwalay ang parents ko. Mas masakit nung nalaman kong may ibang babae yung ex ko. Humagugol ako. Naglupasay pa. Nakakahiya nga thinking about it now, but then, I didn’t care. I just wanted to let it all out. Si Doc, yung nurse and ibang pregnant moms cried with me. Sabi ng pinsan ko na kasama namin, okay lang daw, si JC De Vera nga daw may cleft pero naging artista. I knew she was only trying to make me feel better but it didn’t help ease the pain.<\/p>\n
We kept it in the quiet, close family members lang ang may alam. They kept telling me that it was okay. That it’s not something that can’t be fixed. And I wanted to yell at them, that they don’t understand the pain I was going through.<\/p>\n
Ang nasa isip ko nun, hindi pa man siya pinapanganak, he already failed at something. And I already failed him. I wasn’t able to take good care of him. Nagalit ako sa Diyos. 1 out of 700 babies na pinapanganak ay nagkakaron ng cleft, so why me out of 700 mommies? I kept asking him, Why me? I have been a faithful servant. Masipag ako magsimba, my whole life, I served him. So why me? Sinumbatan ko siya. Sobrang sumama talaga yung loob ko kasi I believed, I didn’t deserve this.<\/p>\n
Ito na yata yung pinakamasakit na mangyayari sa isang nanay, give birth to a child with special needs. Kasi you will keep asking and blaming yourself. Where did I go wrong?<\/p>\n
Nagpasecond opinion pa kami. We had a 3D utz. My husband wanted to go, ako ayoko. Hindi na ako umasa kasi I knew it in my heart that I was going to have a cleft baby. And I saw his face and my heart broke all over again. Hindi ako nagpaprint ng copy kasi I didn’t want to see my baby that way. (which I totally regret now, btw. Sorry na, depress ako that time.)<\/p>\n
The next few days was hell. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat. Eat, work, the things that I used to love doing, nawala ang appeal sa kin. It was even our wedding month pero wala akong gana magprepare, how could I be excited at a time like this? I was a bitch to everybody. But my husband was my pillar. He was so positive about everything that it hurts. My family too. They all believed that it will all be okay.<\/p>\n
I felt abandoned. I thought, I was alone in this pain. In my quiet moments, I talk — no scream at God. The never ending Why me\u2019s. Pero kahit galit ako, I never stopped talking to him. I find comfort in talking to him. There must be reason. Lagi ko naiisip yan. Why do I have this baby? There must be a reason.<\/p>\n
“Biruin mo, God gave me an important task, he trusted me to take care of this extra special baby and I was not about to prove God wrong. I want to show him that, I deserve this baby.” — Mommy Seema<\/p><\/div>\n
And then one day, I woke up and I felt light. I wasn’t as sad anymore. Parang naenlighten ako. Na, oo nga. God chose me, out of 700 mommies, God decided to give him to me. There must be a reason. Yung “Why me” ko, naging “Why not?” I found my purpose.<\/p>\n
Biruin mo, God gave me an important task, he trusted me to take care of this extra special baby and I was not about to prove God wrong. I want to show him that, I deserve this baby. That Zacha deserves me, a flawed person, to be his mom and I won’t let him down. Gusto ko na after everything ay maging proud ang Diyos sa akin at masabi niyang hindi siya nagkamaling ibigay si Zacha sa akin.<\/p>\n